Work
The year started with a termination of my job. I'd been with BL for so close to 4 years. I was hired for a role to set up a mini manufacturing lab. It went on well for a few months but my boss decided to close it down when there were some issues with the principle. So my job scope has been changed a few times with sales and applications. My boss (and myself) think that I'm not fully occupied. In December 2017, when he lost a VVIP tender, he took the chance to cut a few headcounts. I was in denial and broke down in front of my boss because I know I had been a good employee. He emphasized that it wasn't my problem but I'm probably the highest paid employee and he could not figure out a direction for me. He did not give me a lot of time to stay- slightly less than a month. I was left jobless for 1.5 month before landing myself in a new job. That 1.5 month I was kept very occupied with interviews and housework for CNY.
I found a job as a Sales Manager in Bukit Batok. I took up the job because they offered the highest pay and I see room to grow. I was given my own room. True enough, the boss gave me a lot of room to grow, and a lot of decisions to make. however, I realised that he has been travelling a lot and the company was ailing. I began to feel negative and started looking for jobs in November ( 8 months after joining).
Baby
Before CNY, Baby was down with fever again. We brought him to the doctor early but his fever did not subside until Day 1 of CNY. I wanted to give him 5 days but his dad was super worried so sent him to A&E. I was thinking to go to the hospital after the reunion dinner but P thinks that the dinner should be cancelled and I wasn't prioritizing my baby. To me, it did not look like an emergency as compared to the previous saga, baby A was still playing with me at home.
So I went ahead to prepare reunion dinner for my parents, who came over, and nagged about us not keeping the place clean enough. Which was why baby keep falling sick. I was pretty stressed and upset and it did not help with the nagging. I remember I was chopping vegetables and my dad keep talking to me in his authoritative manner. I snapped and banged the knife on the board. I was sobbing and told him I kept the dinner for them and got resented by my husband. That was the first time in my life I yelled at dad.
We both cooled down over dinner and I left for the hospital. Baby's fever subsided in the hospital and P stayed over to look after him. Of course he was very cold to me.
Baby managed to discharge and we went home without going anywhere else to visit.
Marriage and Love Life
Things happened to my marriage 1 week before Baby A's first birthday.
P and my relationship hasn't been well since before we conceived Baby A. During my pregnancy, he remained non-chalant and uncaring. I went for my appointments alone most of the time and even when I was ill, he did not show the basic attention that I needed. He stopped sleeping beside me when baby was 6 months old because he claimed that I snored too loud and baby's night feeds is affecting his sleep. I was very affected those few months because I was left alone with my child and to me it is a taboo to sleep separately from your spouse.
I got to know a man outside (L) last year and we ceased contact last November. He came back to look for me before CNY and he asked me to leave with him together with the baby.
One day, P and I had a cold war and I tried to talk to him and told him how unhappy I had been. He did not want to face me as usually and hate to be confronted. I told him that he doesn't need me and I am going to leave the family. It did not hit him until a day later, that I am serious. I did not mention anything thereafter because I want to prepare for baby's birthday party.
After the party, he moved back to sleep beside me but I am no longer used to his presence. I moved out to another room and our talks on divorce became ugly. We began to quarrel over the right to stay with Baby A. I also brought out the fact of moving out and stuff. I consulted my lawyer friend. I was prepared to leave with L and I even talked to my parents about it. My parents did not approve, but ultimately told me that if it make me happier to get out of a toxic marriage, they would support me.
Things began to sink in for P and he started to grow soft. He began to ask me back, which was unexpected. He has never gave in when we fight. He would just brush it off as if nothing happens.
I told him that he wanted me back because of Baby. He loved him to bits. He realized that without my presence, baby and him would be lost too.
He came back one day and talked to me. He admitted that he did not care for himself in the past, that's why he doesn't empathize for people. He began to show me a lot of care, he began to show me his change. He began to fill up the gaps that were in the marriage. He begged me for a last chance. I gave in. I also confessed to P that I had found someone I fell for. Around the same time, I told L that I have to give my marriage a second chance. L did not take it well and felt betrayed. He showed me his violence side and I was traumatized. At that point, I felt that it was the right decision for me to stay. P would never be violent to me. Even when I confessed about it, he accepted me and took it to himself to blame. It was a painful decision to break off with L and was a risky decision to stay on as well. But I have to give baby a chance to grow up in a proper family. a 9-year marriage is not without hard work.
So on and off, we began to repair the marriage. But L was still in the picture because he could not give me up. We made up within weeks while I monitor the progress of my marriage. Although P became more caring, but he drifted back a little. a few months later, he confessed that he would not be able to change 100%. I continued to see L and we had many break ups in between because he was still expecting me to leave my marriage for him. It was hard for me to find my feelings back for P once I have lost it and my heart was with L all the time. L and I decided to take a break to test our relationship. I was supposed to give him an answer by CNY. I know I can't go back to him if I don't leave my marriage. I thought it was the end of us and I decided to focus on Baby A to get on with the marriage. But those months did not stop me from missing him.
The year of 2018 is the Dog's year and I felt I was really down on luck.
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