A Depressing 2018

As I skimmed through my blog entry, I realised there would be something big and different every year. 

Work

The year started with a termination of my job. I'd been with BL for so close to 4 years. I was hired for a role to set up a mini manufacturing lab. It went on well for a few months but my boss decided to close it down when there were some issues with the principle. So my job scope has been changed a few times with sales and applications. My boss (and myself) think that I'm not fully occupied. In December 2017, when he lost a VVIP tender, he took the chance to cut a few headcounts. I was in denial and broke down in front of my boss because I know I had been a good employee. He emphasized that it wasn't my problem but I'm probably the highest paid employee and he could not figure out a direction for me. He did not give me a lot of time to stay- slightly less than a month. I was left jobless for 1.5 month before landing myself in a new job. That 1.5 month I was kept very occupied with interviews and housework for CNY. 

I found a job as a Sales Manager in Bukit Batok. I took up the job because they offered the highest pay and I see room to grow. I was given my own room. True enough, the boss gave me a lot of room to grow, and a lot of decisions to make. however, I realised that he has been travelling a lot and the company was ailing. I began to feel negative and started looking for jobs in November ( 8 months after joining).

Baby

Before CNY, Baby was down with fever again. We brought him to the doctor early but his fever did not subside until Day 1 of CNY. I wanted to give him 5 days but his dad was super worried so sent him to A&E. I was thinking to go to the hospital after the reunion dinner but P thinks that the dinner should be cancelled and I wasn't prioritizing my baby. To me, it did not look like an emergency as compared to the previous saga, baby A was still playing with me at home.

So I went ahead to prepare reunion dinner for my parents, who came over, and nagged about us not keeping the place clean enough. Which was why baby keep falling sick. I was pretty stressed and upset and it did not help with the nagging. I remember I was chopping vegetables and my dad keep talking to me in his authoritative manner. I snapped and banged the knife on the board. I was sobbing and told him I kept the dinner for them and got resented by my husband. That was the first time in my life I yelled at dad. 

We both cooled down over dinner and I left for the hospital. Baby's fever subsided in the hospital and P stayed over to look after him. Of course he was very cold to me.

Baby managed to discharge and we went home without going anywhere else to visit.

Marriage and Love Life

Things happened to my marriage 1 week before Baby A's first birthday. 

P and my relationship hasn't been well since before we conceived Baby A. During my pregnancy, he remained non-chalant and uncaring. I went for my appointments alone most of the time and even when I was ill, he did not show the basic attention that I needed. He stopped sleeping beside me when baby was 6 months old because he claimed that I snored too loud and baby's night feeds is affecting his sleep. I was very affected those few months because I was left alone with my child and to me it is a taboo to sleep separately from your spouse.

I got to know a man outside (L) last year and we ceased contact last November. He came back to look for me before CNY and he asked me to leave with him together with the baby. 

One day, P and I had a cold war and I tried to talk to him and told him how unhappy I had been. He did not want to face me as usually and hate to be confronted. I told him that he doesn't need me and I am going to leave the family. It did not hit him until a day later, that I am serious. I did not mention anything thereafter because I want to prepare for baby's birthday party.

After the party, he moved back to sleep beside me but I am no longer used to his presence. I moved out to another room and our talks on divorce became ugly. We began to quarrel over the right to stay with Baby A. I also brought out the fact of moving out and stuff. I consulted my lawyer friend. I was prepared to leave with L and I even talked to my parents about it. My parents did not approve, but ultimately told me that if it make me happier to get out of a toxic marriage, they would support me.

Things began to sink in for P and he started to grow soft. He began to ask me back, which was unexpected. He has never gave in when we fight. He would just brush it off as if nothing happens. 

I told him that he wanted me back because of Baby. He loved him to bits. He realized that without my presence, baby and him would be lost too. 

He came back one day and talked to me. He admitted that he did not care for himself in the past, that's why he doesn't empathize for people. He began to show me a lot of care, he began to show me his change. He began to fill up the gaps that were in the marriage. He begged me for a last chance. I gave in. I also confessed to P that I had found someone I fell for. Around the same time, I told L that I have to give my marriage a second chance. L did not take it well and felt betrayed. He showed me his violence side and I was traumatized. At that point, I felt that it was the right decision for me to stay. P would never be violent to me. Even when I confessed about it, he accepted me and took it to himself to blame. It was a painful decision to break off with L and was a risky decision to stay on as well. But I have to give baby a chance to grow up in a proper family. a 9-year marriage is not without hard work.

So on and off, we began to repair the marriage. But L was still in the picture because he could not give me up. We made up within weeks while I monitor the progress of my marriage. Although P became more caring, but he drifted back a little. a few months later, he confessed that he would not be able to change 100%. I continued to see L and we had many break ups in between because he was still expecting me to leave my marriage for him. It was hard for me to find my feelings back for P once I have lost it and my heart was with L all the time. L and I decided to take a break to test our relationship. I was supposed to give him an answer by CNY. I know I can't go back to him if I don't leave my marriage. I thought it was the end of us and I decided to focus on Baby A to get on with the marriage. But those months did not stop me from missing him. 

The year of 2018 is the Dog's year and I felt I was really down on luck.

2017: Exciting beginning, Tumultous ending.

The final countdown
So the final few weeks I couldn't sleep well, waking up at 3-4am almost every night and couldn't fall back to sleep. Baby's head was down on week 35 but his head went up again the next week. I was told that I may need to get a C-section if his head is still up. What a disappointment. I did a lot of exercises hoping to get his head down. I hoped everything would be au natural; normal delivery, if there is no need to use epidural that would be good.

Labourhood
So the excitement and stress all revolved around the new family member. Let's call him Baby A. I gave birth to Baby A on week 37. It was 230am and something woke me to go to the toilet. I felt a wet sensation below and it stopped. Went back to bed and the feeling came back again. This time I decided to wash up at the shower. Gush, a huge body of water was released and I knew something big was coming. I told myself that I need to stay calm. I put on a sanitary pad and went back to bed, trying to google to confirm my suspicions. I just wanted to make sure that it's not a false alarm and do not want to wake up the hubs until I'm really sure. I thought I was rather calm. "Dear, I think my waterbag broke..." His eyes opened wide awake. We prepped ourselves and took a cab down to the hospital. No contractions were felt and I was still calm. I was wheeled into the labour ward. The nurse tried to feel the head of the baby with much effort, but no avail. The way she made her way inside felt really uncomfortable. Baby's head not engaged. I was up for an emergency C-section 3 hours later. My initial thoughts about going to natural labour was dismissed as I was waiting in the labour ward. One patient was wailing exasperatedly during her labour and that really gave me goosebumps. It really scare the hell out of me.  C-section it is then.  I opted for epidural instead of GA. It is an awkward and helpless feeling. It felt like you are crippled. You can move from waist down. I have this things about trying to find the anesthesia whenever I'm being administered into one.. trying not to fall asleep, trying to move when my legs are numb. Of course it was stupid. I remembered watching a movie where this person was aneasthetized but he could felt the pain when he was being opened up. I couldn't move, couldn't shout, couldn't tell anyone that he was in hell. It was horrendous. Okay, coming back to the surgery, I could feel that my tummy was forced open and the baby was yanked out. It suddenly felt very empty inside and I knew baby A was out. I waited to hear his cries and I did. Baby A born on 29 March 2017, 6am.

I was bound in bed for the next 3 days. I thought C-section shouldn't be that painful but I was wrong. I did not know that I was on a urine catheter, no wonder I did not feel the urge to pee. Once the catheter was removed, I had to go to the toilet, which was an immense task. I could feel my whole innards and my 10cm fibroid dropped whenever I get up and the pain was excruciating. I had to constantly use my hands to support that empty flab of tummy. I started on breastfeeding and it was another level of pain one has to bear. Pain on the nips and pain in the womb. During breastfeeding, the womb would contract, painkillers were given throughout my stay. Baby A was healthy and we both got discharged 3 days later.

 Confinement
We got a very great confinement lady during my confinement period. Not only did she possess great culinary skills, she took care of the baby and me well. She was proactive and cleaned our house till it was spic and span. When i had engorgement, she massaged for me. When I had itchy rashes post-surgery, she took me to the bathroom and clean my flesh with hot water before applying the magic cream she brought. She is very professional, she would bring gadgets that would ease the new mother into motherhood. She her own breast pump, which I used it well. We extended her for another 2 weeks, and I had anxiety issues when her service is coming to an end. On week 5 post par tum, I took over night shift as training before she leave. I was stressed and I couldn't sleep knowing the baby was in the same room as me. But I managed to wake up and feed whenever he cried. A few days later, my thighs were in pain. I thought I developed the aches from night shift. My left leg swelled so badly that I had to limp to the masseuse a night. I thought it was water retention.

Deep Vein Thrombosis
I went back to my gynea for my check up and told her that I was suffering from water retention. I showed her my right thigh and she expressed her concern of what could be more than just water. She suspected it was DVT which can result from pregnancy, immobility and surgery. She ordered a scan for me to do immediately and I was diagnosed with extensive DVT. I was admitted on the same day.
The hit came when I was told that I could no longer breastfeed because the medicine I would be taking is an anti-clot medicine and no studies down on breastfeeding and infants. My breastfeeding journey just got easier with no pain and I had to throw away my freshly pumped milk. To make matters worse, I'm not sure how long I would be in my condition and I was told that the massage could have caused clots to move to my lungs or other parts of my body. I was devastated as I'm not supposed to stay stationery yet cannot move too much. To make matters worse, my CL would be gone in a weeks' time and I'm not sure how else I can take care of my baby. Eventually, my CL told me that the hubs wanted to learn how to shower Baby A and all other stuff. I guess he realised that I might not be fully able to perform the mundane tasks. I got discharged after 3 days of stay and I had to put on compression stockings. My leg is less painful and I made myself run and jump to make the pain go away. It did got better. The clots on my lower limb has vanished but the ones near my groin are still there. Till date (8 months later) I'm still on daily medication and my left thigh is still 3cm bigger.

Baby A
When my CL left, I took care of him alone for 2 weeks before sending him to the nanny's. The nanny provided door-to-door sending and fetching service so we got lucky. One month later, nanny had to take care of the mother who needed a surgery so we were again, luckily to get a spot in the infantcare just below our block. The first few days of IFC, Baby A cried when he sensed it coming. But he eventually develop a close relationship with his teacher and he enjoys going to school. Baby A is a very smiley and adorable baby. Which was why he enjoys the attention of people around him. Sme said he looked like his dad and some said he look like me. I can't tell but I know he gets cuter as he grows. He's also a very active boy and I see myself getting exhausted by him. Baby A's health was generally ok, save for some running and blocked nose. Fever was not a frequent visitor and he generally got well after 2-3 days.

The Adenovirus Ordeal
In Dec 2017 Baby had been coughing till he puked and with some low grade fever. For a few nights I had to change the sheets because of his puke. We took him to the doctor and was told he had wheezing. He was given the nebeulizer for 4 days to expand his lungs. The wheezing left and he was cleared by the doctor.

2 days later the teacher told me that he has high fever 38.9C. But he was still active and feeding well.
I though it should just go off in 5 days just like any viral fever. The fever still persist and I brought him back to the doctor on day 5. We have not met this doctor before and he seemed very concerned about his condition. He gave a nebeulizer and got him admitted because Baby A has not shown any interest in stuff. Clearly, he was quite sick. We got him admitted to the same private hospital for convenience sake. The doctor popped by a few rounds to check on him. He noticed a change in breathing patterns at night. I went home as the hubs was staying overnight to look after him. During midnight, I received a call. It made me nervous, I was hoping it was not the hubs, but it had to be him. He told me to go down to the hospital, we are transferring Baby A to KKH. I was trembling, I did not know what to wear. I grab the necessities and went down to the hospital in the cab. The doctor assured me that it was not an emergency but Baby A's breathing seemed to have been a little worse and KKH would have better equipment and manpower to support him. The ambulance took a while to arrive. When we reached KKH, a swarm of doctors came over and he was administered the adrenaline via the nebeulizer. Baby A looked lethargic then. He was admitted to the high dependency ward and he was taken over by the medical staff, who started putting him on a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure ) to expand his lungs, a feeding tube and an IV cannula. It was one painful sight to see your baby in such a state. But we were told that we do not need to stay because there are nurses in the ward. We took the chance to go home to rest, knowing that we might have a long week ahead.

Blood test results came out the next day, testing positive for Adenovirus, which could be the culprit of his bronchiolitis. We were transferred to the isolation ward as it can spread through contact and droplet. His fever came up, eyes swelled. We were told that his fever could last 7-10 days. We waited and the fever had no signs of coming down. He was weaned off CPAP and was depending on oxygen to keep his O2 sats on track. He was given nasopharyngeal suction every 4 hours and that was probably the most heartbreaking thing to see. He choked, cringed, teared and stiffened during the whole procedure and I would be beside to hold his hand. There were times I did not want to look. But after every suction he would sleep comfortably, no longer with a blocked nasal passage. The days when the infection peaks, he hardly open his eyes. Ibuprofen and paracetamol has to be administered alternately. All these medication with sponging could not keep the heat down. There were times when the doctor asked " Did he wake up at all? Has he been this sleepy?" This made me even more worried. If he is reacting normally. Days crawled by and everyday I googled the same thing- "Adenovirus" , "fever" , "high fever", "prolong high fever". And almost everywhere, the fever is said to last for 5-7 days. Sometimes 10 days. Well, day 10 came and the fever was still fluctuating. However the trend came down, there were times with no fever but it did not last too long before it hits a 39C again. I googled again and it said that if the fever lasted too long, Kawasaki disease needs to be considered. I highlighted my concern to the doctors because for KD, treatment has to be carried out within 10 days. The doctors came in to check for classic symptoms but there were only red eyes and fever. A blood test was carried out and he had Adenovirus infection in his blood. An ECHO MRI was carried out on his heart to check for the diameter of his arteries- one sign of KD, but they looked normal. At this time his fever frequency lessen and there was a sign of recovery. 24 hours without fever means he should recover. The last fever was at 10am on Christmas eve. 6 hours no fever... 10 hours no fever...15 hours no fever... 25 hours no fever!!! I found it unbelievable, I was scared...is there fever going away for good? It did and we were starting to see 36C instead of 37C.. we were elated. But his oxygen saturation is still on borderline. We tried to wean him off but the numbers were not great. Baby A is more awake but he was still groggy, not smiling. That was Christmas day. The next day, his smiles finally came back, after 1.5 weeks. He was active and did not want to sleep. Oxygen wasn't too good but he keeps pulling the tubes off. His levels are good when he was awake but when he sleeps, it drops. Nonethless, he looked great and feeding well. He was finally discharged after 11 days in the hospital. The ordeal was over. He is still coughing and wheezing a bit now, but that is likely due to his recovery from bronchiolitis.

The food in the hospital was horrible and I did not have much appetite either. I lost around 1.5kg. Took me so long to lose but it only works in an adversity. Lot of laborious housework, walking around in the hospital, sleep deprived and less intake. But I think being in a happier mood now makes me eat more and gain back. Who needs adversity to lose weight?

Travel
I wasn't expecting to travel this year and I made it clear to my boss that I would not be doing any business trips. But the hubs surprised me when he said he has more leave this year so it's a better year to travel. We went back to Bali to chill again, this round it's really just villa, and cafes/restaurants. It was a much needed break. We sought my in-laws to help take care of Baby A, which proved to be a daunting task for them. It was unfortunate that Baby A got a fever on the day we left, which makes me worried but thankfully he recovered after 3 days. My SIL and MIL got sick after that, perhaps from exhaustion, or from his virus.

Anyway this Jineng Villa is probably the best villa we have stayed so far (we have tried 3 villas). They provide free transport to Seminyak Square but it's actually just a 10-min walk away. The have free breakfast and tea platter. The pool was of a decent length and there were no funny insects.

Work
When I'm back from ML, I report to the Applications manager. I only do 10% sales on specialised products and the rest are purely apps based. It wasn't too bad because my manager stands up for me. It's a pretty laxed year since I was clearing my maternity leave bit my bit. I also took on the product registration portfolio which kept me a little more busy. Busy is good.

I'm quite sure that 2018 will be eventful too. It would be the year of the Dog and it would not be very smooth sailing for me. But I certainly hope that it would not affect any of my family members as it having to worry for others is more painful than the pain on oneself. May it be a year of peace and no adversities.