From Wealth to Health

 

Again, we have come to the end of 2025.

This year, there had been a lot of focus placed on making money, Whether it’s via investment or other businesses. I had invested a lot on knowledge; financial knowledge to increase my passive income and the ability to retire early and be financially free.

There was a great desire in me to be financially free. There were many moments that motivates me to retire early because I wasn’t very happy in my job. So I took up courses from knowledgeable investment gurus like Sean Seah and Adam Khoo. I even picked up crypto courses and attempted to set up a newsletter business. I set aside a sum to set up my newsletter business. A newletter business earns from advertisements clicks. I also took a lot of time writing newsletters. Because of the AI boom, with ChatGPT, as well as other AI image-creation tools, I thought creating images, writing newsletters would be a breeze. Indeed, I could not have written a piece of newsletter on my own and publish it to the public, if not for AI. It was really easy to create a beautifully-written piece as well as interesting images for my newletters. However, it was tremendously time-consuming. On top of the weekly sessions on investments, I had to churn out two newletters a week at least for the first half of the year. It took so much time away from me and when my newsletter business started to grow from two digits to 3 digits, the advertisements platform banned my account, for no rhyme, or reason. I began searching for alternatives and I shifted to another platform, but the click-through rates were miserable. I lost my motivation. I stopped attending any of the classes, and I stopped writing my newletters altogether.

Other than trying to source for income through the newsletters and my investments. I also picked up a caregiver course through Homage and I’m currently serving clients that live within walking distance from my house. I chose to take on this route because I believe the caregiving skills are really important and will be useful to me one day, this additional freelance job allows me to work, only when I’m free.

Right now, I am mainly focusing on myself, building up strength through Pilates. I find Pilates workout very sustainable for me. It has sustained my interest for a year now and I intend to continue with Pilates in 2026. Without the hustle of making money through my newsletters or attending weekly lessons, I find myself able to focus on my mental well-being and able to spend time with my loved ones. I must say that I have picked up some investment knowledge sufficiently enough to make some earnings though not enough to replace my day job.

Let me move on to my day job. I’m not sure if I have mentioned before, I manage to get a contract extension of two years and I was in the top 10% of the entire group to be selected for this extension. Needless to say, when you are working with people who are very outstanding, bosses who are very demanding, life is not a bed of roses. In addition, the job scope is pretty different as we are exposed to the actual civil service work instead of operational work that I was used to. We are expected to do proper staff work, know how to staff our bosses and understand the bureaucracy within the ministry. The learning curve was steep, but since one year has passed, I’m getting the hang of it. Of course, I also struggle with getting recognition from my bosses as my work may not require me to be in a limelight most of the time. I might have come to terms with it for now, but I hope that in 2026, I would not need to experience disparity in treatment again.

The highlight of my work was actually securing an MOU with a partner organisation. Although this was a high-profile project, the bosses don’t see this as an operational requirement. In 2026, I am planning to secure more of such contracts.

Next, let me talk about my family. Baby A has grown up big. He has started to beef up, outgrowing all his clothes. He has learnt to watch social media, and has picked an American slang. From a puny boy who was timid, to a stout, confident boy. He talks a lot more now, of course, it comes with talking back at us too. But I rather he be comfortable and confident than being scared of others. He doesn't like to study so it takes quite a bit of effort to guide him and reduce his screentime. But I’m relieved that he has no health issues and that’s all that matters.

Last but not least, my love, my partner L, we are still very much in love. L was out of job for 4 months. I was feeling uncertain and insecure. However, I had clear voices in my head that I cannot act like my ex who was very unsupportive when I was jobless. I was glad the tough times did not last long. We have lived with each other for 2 years now and life has never been easier. 

Travelling this year was mainly short trips to JB, a trip to BKK with L and a 30th anniversary trip with DAHMN. I ticked my bucket list this year, finally travelled on SQ Biz class. The trip was planned a year ahead and I was able to relax since I did not have to take care of the big and small boys. The trip rejuvenated me and I am charged up to plan longer trips in 2026.

 

I’m confident that 2026 will be a better year and I want to do more activities with my parents and bond with the family. 

P/S: I wrote most of this entry using the transcription tool and it is definitely more efficient.

Ah Boy (2011 - 2024)

 

Family

I want to dedicate the main highlight of this post to my favourite cat, Ah Boy. I have a number of pets since young but none was as special to me as Ah Boy. He was the first pet I could call my own as I picked him up and saw him through his entire lifespan (less 1 year at Julin’s). Ah Boy was a playful cat, but he did not cause much problems like eating our food or jumping on restricted areas or breaking fragile items. Other than toppling down the Christmas tree a few times and disturbing Xiaowa, there was no other incidents that I have to chid him. He was generally healthy although he had 2 episodes of UTI in his early years. I love how he hated people touching his tail yet he would just retaliate with a paw hit or a ‘toothless’ bite. He always let Xiaowa eats first like a gentleman and would just stand behind to wait for her to finish instead of squeezing between spaces. 

He would sometimes wait for you to come home or see you off at the door. He did not like cuddles yet he would respond and walk up to you when you called him. He loved playing hide-and-seek too. Ah Boy wasn’t a fussy eater and he could ate whole kuning fish including the head. He earned his keep by getting rid of cockroaches in the house. 

I think I had neglected him since Asher was borned. I think he deserved more attention and Julin was ablet give him that. However, he hated confinement and loved to linger out and sleep on different spots. There wasn’t much space to roam and Julin’s place and they were supposed to stay in the room a night. 

I’m not sure if a change in environment had detrimental effects to his health and being away from me after 12 years had contributed to his kidney failure? Or was the cheap diet that I gave him a contributing factor?

He was diagnosed with Kidney failure while at Julin’s and I was shocked and heartbroken. I wanted to reunite with them after settling down at my new house. I bought Ah Boy home in advance as he had to be on drip everyday and on meds. Ah Boy took just a day or 2 to get used to the new place and he even accompanied Mr Loo at the sofa on late nights. His health was on and off but he was still coping. In May, we noted that his body is exuding bad odour and he had to be hospitalised. He looked depressed and we thought he may not pull through. When he was discharged, he actually looked brighter at home. He lasted another 7 months.  

On 11 Dec, we noticed that Ah Boy had refused his favouite treat, and he was hiding under the lash bed. He started having swollen limbs and couldn't move much. His pupils were permanently dilated and he could not see well.  We took him to the vet and he was given an injection for his limbs. The vet asked if I wanted to do any screening, but I knew that nothing much could be done. I just wanted him to be comfortable, hence I asked for pain killers. 

On the 12 Dec, he was peeing outside his litterbox and he was walking by the wall. He could not see Xiaowa in front of him and he walked through her. At night, he was no longer hiding beneath the bed and I could see him out. I thought it was an unusual behavior. Mr Loo and I took the chance to spend some time with him. I knew that his sense are all shut down as he even stopped sniffing he treat we put infront nose. His eyes no longer winced to stimuli. I knew that he was suffering already. I moved close to him and stroked him and whispered, “ If you are in pain, go comfortably. Don’t suffer too long.” I was prepared to put him own the following week if his condition did not improve. Furthermore, we were traveling on the following Sunday. I do not want to be worried if he passed on when I wasn’t around. 

On the 13 Dec Friday morning, I received a call from Mr. Loo that Ah Boy had passed on. And he was disovered by Asher accidentally. I was shocked. He left too quickly. But he heard me and spared me the torture of putting him down myself. He was a good boy all the way till the end. We cried. As Mr. Loo was on afternoon shift, we arranged the cremation on the following day. I grieved for a week (I turned out to be more upset than expected). Xiaowa behaved a little abnormally with her frequent meowing. She also walked over to sit by my side on the day of Ah Boy’s passing. Ah Boy’s ashes was sent back to me and is now sitting on the shelf. He will always be remembered.

On the same night, Ah Boy’s came back to visit us in the form of the moth, a beautiful green moth. 

Work

I was offered to stay on in MOH for another 2 years to set up a volunteer force. Do I like what I am doing No. Am I happy there, no. I don’t feel the culture suits me and I felt a little out of place. I think I wasn’t living up to my bosses’ expectations either. Other than the pay an the new pretty office lounge, there is really nothing that attracts me. I joined the team in July together with my fellow Colleague, Clara. But she couldn’t get used to the pace and culture, hence she was told to go. I took over her team, and one of the gals, S, was pretty upset my her departure. She couldn’t fit well into the culture even though she could deliver, she was quite negative about everything. It affected others, who took on her negative vibes as well. In the end, both of them decided not to continue. To me, it was a good thing, because they were not supporting me well. They were replaced by 2 other staff, till date, seems to be ok. I hope things would get better with this new team, they might probably be the only thing that makes me wanna not wanna leave. 

Leisure

Just got back from my second visit to Dubai. It took my mind off Ah Boy’s death, and the multiple stress over work and the desire to earn money. It was a good getaway but Dec flew too fast for me to really wind down. I shall end with an iconic Dubai photo.

A Brand New Life

    

After my divorce, I moved in with my parents for a year. I brought with me my helper and Asher. 3 of us slept in my spacious room. I couldn't bring much stuff with me so I had some stuff stored at my aunt’s place. Everything was good except that the room has became very warm unlike 2 decades earlier (think global warming has been evident) and mozzies were still an issue after so long. It felt good to live with my parents and I felt the warmth of a family again. It started off with a few conflicts where Asher had a tough time adapting to his new school and he fell sick. Even when he had recovered he refused to go to school.  I was pretty insistent that he was not absent often as the principal told me that getting him to go to school consistently would enable him to adapt faster. I was also worried that with him around at home he would impose on my parents. I had a fight with my dad one day when Asher pulled up another excuse for not going to school and my dad gave in to him. He scolded me for forcing things on Asher. I felt that he was spoiling him. On hindsight, I felt that I was rushing Asher through the processing of adapting and had worried too much about him missing school. I think I was taking life too hard on others and myself. Asher eventually adapted to his new school, though he really hated the Chinese teacher (whom I hated too).

So the next big thing that happened to me was getting a house on my own. It took about 6 months to find a place in Ubi (close to my parents and Asher’s primary school). I wanted a 4-room corner and high floor unit. These units were selling like hotcakes and it was really a matter of first-come-first-serve with the best price. It was a stressful period as I was worried that the area would run out of such units for sale. I was ready to come to a compromise with low level units and corridor flats. But I knew that my prayers were heard when my friend-agent Choon, had a lead and it was given to me prior to the public. It was a corner flat at the highest level. The conditions weren’t great but it was an ideal location. And I wouldn’t mind having my own design. 

I found a very reliable contractor through my colleague, Paul and the renovation went pretty well. I was proud of myself with my purchases from Taobao and the designs and colours that I had chosen. I could finally have my own say in everything. Well, having a spouse helps to bear the cost but you have to come to a compromise with the designs he had chosen. In the past, I really hated the big bulky furniture that he purchased and the house became more and more cluttered. 

It was a very busy year trying to settle A’s onboarding to the primary school, house reno, moving and stuff. I was really overwhelmed by the year end but I’m very thankful for my family and friends who supported me throughout. My aunts offered their place to store my stuff and got their hands down with the move. One of them also chipped in to relieve my expenses. My parents put us up and took care of us. My friend Julin offered to foster Ah Boy and Xiaowa and took care of them really well. My friend, Shaoxian gave me a hand in the move to my parent’s with his lorry. And of course Mr Loo helped me with rounds of move so that I could save up on movers. I couldn’t give my helper a proper increment since last year because I told her I was not financially stable. I’m glad that she continued to stay on and supported me through this phase of life. In return, I gave her some bonuses this month. I couldn’t have done all these myself.

I moved in Dec 2023 and I got Mr Loo to live with me. He needs a proper place and eat proper homecooked meals. 

The year ended with me settled down, ready for the next phase of my life. 

A Sombre Start to 2020 - the Great Pandemic

It was through writing this blog that I realised every year is different. Every year is unprecedented. Things are always changing and there are always exciting and challenging things coming our way.
I've never expect myself to experience a pandemic in my life and this is one of the biggest pandemic in a few hundred years of history - COVID-19. The name stands for Coronavirus Infectious Disease that was discovered in 2019.

It has now impacted everyone worldwide, not only to our health, but the economy as well. To think that such a small organism can cause huge chaos to hundred billions of people and at this point of writing, there has been 697,676 cases worldwide and 33116 deaths. 844 infected in Singapore and 3 deaths.

Many countries have closed their borders including SG and we are told to stay at home wherever possible. Safe distancing is also another term that is widely used to ensure that we are 1 m apart to "flatten the curve" to ensure that the healthcare facilities do not get overwhelmed, which would result in higher mortalities. There has also been a global shortage of PPE.

The virus was thought to have orginated from Wuhan, China, hence was given the name Wuhan Virus and was later renamed to avoid discrimination to the place. China's infected patients shot up to more than 80 000 people and Hubei was under a lockdown a few days prior to Chinese New Year. That was a lockdown of 50 million people. The measures were drastic but they managed to bring their number of infected people down to single digit after 2 months of aggressive combating with the epidemic. As the virus slowly spread to Europe and the US, who were too complacent to do any preparations while watching their Asian counterparts fend the virus, they are now in the top positions : USA, Italy, Spain, UK , with Prince Charles and the Queen tested positive.

Today is Asher's birthday. And I have took the step to cancel the birthday celebration with our families. I did not want to risk getting 4 households infected as I'm have an itchy throat these days. I've cancelled a swimming "playdate" with Shok's son after a surge of cases involving the PCF childcare centres. The fear of spreading to people is greater than the fear of getting the virus itself. I do not what to put Asher at risk since he has very sensitive lungs. We organised a virtual birthday celebration instead. 

***continued writing on 3 Jan 2022***

So in Feb 2020 I quitted a recruitment job at YY after working for around 2 months. It was a job that gave me no life because we are constantly required to chase for recruitment targets for part-timers. We were given the company phone and when I had that phone I practically do not check my personal phone as much. If we do not hit the quote then we would have to go down and be a banquet server or even cleaner. I experienced first hand being a banquet server at Fullerton hotel for this event for bankers. I was listening to the speech and lost myself as I thought I was a guest and even clapped at the event. 

CNY was was approaching and I knew that I would need to work as a server if I did not managed to recruit hence I threw in the letter a week before and got myself jobless without a job for the first time.

I thought I could take a break and find a job to my liking and do lash extensions at the same time. 

What I did not realised was that my monthly contributions to my insurance premiums was taking a toll on my savings (ok, this is an overstatement). Very soon, COVID began to hit and it was impossible to get a job. I was jobless for 2 months. P was quick to want to dismiss Phyo. I told him I could have found a job in 6 months and what if I need to travel out as a sales person. I told him that I would need him to help out in some of the expenses and to support me financially. He told me he would be able to give me a $200 allowance every month. I was pretty shocked and disappointed. He justified his actions saying that I did not need to spend a single cent as all my food will be covered by him. After a month, he told me he would only be able to support me till April, which makes it 2 months, and he would need to ask Phyo Phyo to leave. I was stressed and felt that he was really unsupportive when he supported me in my resignation. He could splurge on himself on his hobbies but was so stingy to me. I had to actively look for jobs to support myself as COVID prevent my lash business from continuing during Circuit Breaker. CB lasted for around 2 months. Childcare was not opened as well. I decided to focus on taking care of Asher and planned out the curriculum for him. After a week into CB, I found a part-time job as a cashier at Fairprice at Changi Bizpark. I was in a dilemma whether to stay at home to take care of Asher or to go to work as I don't want to feel the stress from P. I decided to go out to work. Going to work was one of the things I look forward as it was the only few places that make life look more normal. Families gathered at the supermarket as it was the only few places that were opened. Work was frantic and back breaking as people stocked up on rice, detergent, and essentials. I find customers talking to me and asked if I was an SQ crew. Some shift require me to stay till 1030pm. We were told that bus/MRT services will cease at 11pm and I requested P to send me home. He was reluctant and did not give me a Yes as an answer. Perhaps out of the 2 months, he sent me home less than 8 times. Other times, he would bring Asher along to NTUC and wait for me to knock off if I were to end early. Other than being physically demanding, the odd lunch hours which triggers my gastric, it was challenging to find a seat at the mini pantry. Only takeaways were allowed during CB and we only had a 45 min lunchtime. There were flies in the pantry and you don't get to eat often with a kaki. I was thankful I met a kaki called Richard, who looks over me during my short stint. He buys food for me often, helped me in little ways and made life a little brighter. 

I worked at Fairprice for 2 months, the pay was $10/hour but it did not really matter to me. All I need was not to deplete too much of my savings. I found a swabber role at HPB which paid $3.8k. I went for the PPE training, after which I found they had a supervisor role which offered $4k. I requested for the Site sup role but was told that I did not have an ops experience hence I could only OJT with the same pay. In June, I reported to the Float for my SS job. It was a big scale ops that sees around $3k of people everyday for their swabs. I had to report to this Site Manager called Dahlia. She was a young lady that I found authoritative and demanding. All she wanted me to do was to sit outside the swab site and watch each station and ensure there are no bottlenecks. I was also told to time each station and micromanage the processes to see why a station is slow. After a week, I was joined by a fellow SS called Gerald. I "imparted" everything to him. Eventually he overtook me in excel and got into the good books of Dahlia. He became their clan and he was recommended to stay at the Float. I, on the other hand was by the Manpower team if I would like to transfer after 6 weeks. I was beginning to get used to the work at the Float, however the judgement casted by the team at the Float affected me and I decided to make a move to transfer to CSC Changi in mid July. 

I joined CSC Changi by a fellow SS called Aloysius. The team was managed by more mature leaders Lydia and Angeline. I was tasked to be the Green zone SS with Aloysius while Chew and Xinyi were the Red zone SS. Chew is a Scoot pilot and Aloy was a Scoot cadet pilot. Aloy was struggling to pay off his debts for his flying school. He was a friendly chap with a lot of positive energy as we tagged team to help each other and stayed back to sort out the logistics. As he was paid a lower wage he decided to find other jobs. I stayed on and with Lydia's and Angeline's guidance I was able to run the site without much supervision. They went back to BAU in Sept. I was later joined by SM Swee Cheng (also a young cadet pilot who happened to be Aloy's friend too). I was leading GZ's team of 20 ushers and logistics staff as well as supervising the security team. ANother new GZ SS called Chris came to take over Aloy's place and we hit off very well. He was the joker of the team and he always come back on my shift to help. Even though we are on different shifts, we did HOTO seamlessly and was in touch everyday. 

One day, around 6 weeks after Chris joined, he was suddenly dismiss which I found out later that he had a criminal record (of 5 years imprisonment) and he did not clear the checks. His sudden departure got me all teared up at night and I was lost as he did not tell us why he left. SC and I were both quite affected that we went for a drink after our duty one day. 

Chris left and SC was covering his duties for a week before CK came. CK was another easygoing chap and it was comfortable working with him; maybe because I was the senior so generally people could follow what I adviced. However, I also gave him a lot of autonomy and encouraged him to make decisions. RZ SS were also replaced by Alex and Kevin (SQ Captain). Chew went up to upper management doing Ops planning while Xinyi went back to BAU. As the contract offered by HPB was a 6+3 months and I was offered the 3 months extension. I decided to actively look out for a job. After some push from LL, I decided to spruce up my careers.gov application and started applying actively at the portal. 

*writing continued on 5 Jan 2023 (1 year later) :P*

I managed to pass the interview for MOM under ACE as a Housing officer taking charge of Domitaries.

I was verbally offered over the phone for $5+k and so I thought it was quite a good offer. While waiting for the enlisting process, I received a call from MOH to ask if I was keen to go for the interview as a Contact Tracing officer, I thought just give any opportunities a go. I ended up with the MOH job as a team lead with a much higher renumeration package then what MOM could have offered. The latter's processes were much faster and I began my Day 1 on the 15 Feb 2021. 

I was supposed to be a Centre Head, leading a team of 50 people together with a team of fellow Heads. I was being put on OJT as a CTO to learn the basics of CT. During that period, there were not many cases, may around 10 imported cases per day and 2-3 local cases every other day. We work in 9-9pm and rostered shift. Local cases were a big thing then as each local case will take around 2-3 days to close. I moved into the Heads room 2 months later. It was tough for me initially as I no longer got to enjoy the awesome seaview anymore and I did not get to lunch with my ex-team mates as often. Things gradually turned for the worse as it peaked up to 5-digit figures a day. My team sometimes could work up to 2am. The latest I left was around midnight and I felt guilty for leaving them behind. Mother's guilt set in as well when I did not get to sleep with Asher. I always try to rush home by 1030pm to catch him sleep. Eventually, Asher subconsciously slept later as he knew I would be back soon. Work began to feel tough when I face challenges with my demanding bosses. I stumble a few times without much guidance and bosses would give pressure and criticise you like a child on our groupchat. I felt so demoralised and so much resentment about my bosses that I almost wanted to throw in the towel. I managed to pull through but I felt wary and lost my confidence at work. After much encouragement from L not to give up a good paying job in a fit of fury, I persevered. 

As CT efforts, the conveyance team as well as hospital capacity could not keep up with the exponential increase in cases with the help of the SAF team, the govt decided to pass on the responsibility to its citizens. Each household was distributed with self-test kits called ART kits and we were supposed to report close contacts and self-isolate. Social responsibility was the big term in the propaganda. When this was first introduced, we were skeptical on the response. Of course, there were hiccups with every new thing that was introduced, but it was sorted out very quickly. Surprisingly we had a good percentage of very responsible citizens who would self-report to keep everyone safe. 

We had meetings every day to monitor the situation, and I must say I was quite impressed how things were handled by the ministry. 

As cases started to plateau, measures started to lax. Till date (5 Jan 2023), there are about 2.2 million cases and about 900 deaths (as of Aug 2022).

We have started to "live with COVID". At least 85% of the population has been vaccinated and hospital bed capacity have stabilised. I'm currently in MOH for close to 2 years and my job has become more relaxed. We are doing more surveillance now on imported cases to screen for variants, some Long Covid Studies and doing exercises to ensure currency. We monitor clusters in vulnerable settings as well.

I'm happy with where I am however I'm still on a supernumerary contract. The longest I can hold on to would be Dec 2024 and I'm not sure if I can still hold on to any positions within the ministry as a perm staff.. Maybe by the next blog entry (a year later :P), I will know. 

*This entry has not been checked for grammar as I was too tired and couldnt wait to rush out the next entry.

Left the Narcissist for a New Life

I have unbelievably taken up the courage to step out of my marriage. I suspected I married a Narc halfway through my marriage and my suspicions were confirmed at the end of it. When I started to join Narc support groups, I just had to put the label on him. To be specific, he is a Covert Narc.

My memories are so full of the incidents of his Narc behaviors, so I have decided to off load all these unpleasant memories here in order to empty my memories of toxic stuff, heal and move on. 

I initiated the D on the 17 May 2022, about a week earlier as I have planned due to an opportunity. Received FJ on 26 Dec 2022 and I'm officially Divorced after married for 13 years.

I'm not sure where to start but I guess I can randomly list down the incidents that left me scars in my heart.

Let me give you a description of the Narc ex.. He exhibited 4 signs stated below:

Some of the most telling signs of a covert narcissist husband include:¹

• Being inattentive and distracted: The covert narcissist is self-absorbed, so there is little time and attention given to others.  Obviously I was the neglected wife, no eye-contact with me. Always walking past me like I was invisible. It came a point that when I saw him at the void deck, I felt weird and eventually avoiding him because I did not know how to react as I'm unable to keep a pokerface of knowing someone yet there wasn't recognition.

• Inability to understand his wife’s point of view: With a lack of empathy, he will be unwilling and unable to consider differences of opinions. He will always be right. 

• Unexpected angry outbursts: Covert narcissists are fragile and overly sensitive, so he could become angry and violent quickly or break down in tears. He doesn't show his tears, but his anger was evident on his face, actions of doing things fast and loud, ignoring you. He snaps at you whenever you were least prepared.

• Impulsive purchases: In an attempt to fulfill emotional voids, the covert narcissist will buy expensive items like cars, property, jewelry, or electronics. He buys and changes sound systems, cameras fast. He would purchase one item, only to find it not reaching his perfect standard, and the next day he would buy another. He keeps on buying until he finds the perfect one. 

Actually, I could have noticed red flags very early into the relationship. But I guess I loved him alot enough to turn a blind eye and I'm usually someone who keeps on trying a relationship before giving up.

We got our own flat a few months before our wedding and I realised that he was very much pre-occupied with the flat instead of doing it together with me. He would go off to buy something for the flat and when he came back, he would be busy setting up stuff and I would be completely ignored. 

I moved in after our wedding day and he made a very sumptuous breakfast only for himself. I was very disappointed that he did not make one for me and he was unhappy that I actually had that expectation.

In our first year of marriage, we invited friends over for gatherings. I remembered one day as I was trying to force a bag of trash down the chute, I accidentally cut myself and I was bleeding a bit. My friends were all hovering over me while he was just looking behind from far, not offering any help. I guess my friends also felt my disappointment of him not taking care of me. 

We had a few quarrels and I was the confrontational type. Little did I realised that he was the opposite and always run away whenever I tried to confront him. We had a bit of a physical scuffle where he will push me away when I tried to grab hold of him. I was so upset that I wanted to go to Yu's house to stay over. 

After the first year, I slowly got use to his personality and eventually stopped the aggressive approach. But even with talking, he would not listen to me (eye away) or try to run away when I tried to sit him down. Over the years, I stopped talking to him, let the problems sleep and the next day things are back again. I would need to watch out for his facial expression, to see if it's a good or bad day for him and talk when it's time to talk. He likes to do things on his own, sometimes he will go out on his own.. he would tell the dog about it in front of me and I have to eavesdrop. I would complain why he doesnt bring me along and he would just smile. 

He always felt that I'm just a complainer and I'm never satisfied with what I have. He would be unhappy whenever I felt unhappy about him. It always ended up with me feeling that whatever I felt was wrong and I should not be feeling that way.

In short, there is no way out about my unhappiness, I was trapped in a marriage where I'm unable to express my feelings nor try to make any changes. I started having my own life, going on trips with friends more often than with him. We grew apart emotionally (maybe never close to begin with), physically and mentally. 

He did not get much involved with any of my health conditions and doesn't share with me if he had any. We do not have any purview to each other's financial status other than each other's salary.

He wasn't there when I did my scope, not present during my Masters graduation, left home halfway while I was having fever and feeling sick while waiting for the GP consultation. He wasn't there for all my pregnancy or IVF appointments. Maybe 20% of the time. 

During my pregnancy I had the first thoughts about the divorce. The second thought was when he was 1 years old. And the final one was in Nov 2022. It took me 5 freaking years to prepare and take action. And now we are left with the final leap of selling our flat. Not unexpectedly, he did not take the D very well, and there were multiple attempts to gaslight me as well as manipulate my son. The number of messages we exchanged was probably more than what we had over the past 13 years of marriage. 

Right now, I feel truly liberated, not living under my own shadow and able to think and do what I want.

Grandma's passing

I hope that this is the saddest thing that would happen this year. Grandma, aka to me as Ma Ma, the closest person in my life, has passed on.

As I'm writing this post, I am home alone, to grieve, while they went over to my MIL's house for dinner.

Mama took care of me for the first 14 years of my life. I stayed together with my extended family in a house in Katong. In my memory, she was the one who fetched me to and fro from my kindergarten while my parents are busy working. She would bring me to McDonald's opposite my school or pack rice with luncheon meat in tomato sauce. I think that was how I became so chubby when I was young.

During mooncake festival, she got me the more expensive, safer, battery-operated goldfish lantern, while the rest of the kids got the candle type.

There would be times she promised to bring me out then changed her mind because she sees that the sky was getting darker. And I would always complain that she did not keep her promise.

There was once when I had the KFC whipped potato landed on my head as I was walking and eating without watching my step. She had to bring me to the nearest basin to wash my hair.

When she went out without me, I would be waiting by the window for her to return. She would also wait for me to come home with her umbrella as a weapon as I grew old enough to hang out with my friends.

Even when we moved out of Katong when I was 9, and my parents lived separately with my aunts, I chosed to stay with my grandma because I was still pretty attached to her. I lived with her for another 5 years before moving to Macpherson with my parents.

After moving out, grandma would occasionally stay over with me or I will go to her house to stayover. I would thinking about her passing occasionally and would weep over the inevitable fact that one day she would leave. That was one reason I did not dare to study overseas because I was afraid that something would happen to her and I would not be in time to see her.

As I got married and got my own life, I grew further from grandma and she no longer had to worry for me as she has got other grandchildren to keep her occupy.
I felt happy though that she managed to see me settle down and have a kid on my own.

Grandma has been nice to us. She pre-empted us for a week before she leaves. She gave us ample time.

5 June  (Grandma's birthday)
0122hours - FIrst Alarm

KH aunt called me and tell me that Grandma said that she is leaving us soon. I thought it was all planned because it was her birthday and cousin K came back from the states to surprise us. He visited grandma 2 days ago. I was sponging feverish Baby A so I was still awake. I got P to take over the sponging and rushed down.
Aunt called to said Grandma said she will leave later, not now. Mumbled something like 4 am. I reached around 2am but found that I was the only one there. Grandma looked very drowsy but she could still recognised me. Aunts cleaned her up just in case she really leaves. I waited till 4 am and we all think that it might be a false alarm, so I went home. In any case, I had a feeling that it could be anytime soon.

9 June

We were all supposed to gather for dinner to celebrate Aunt EP and Grandma's birthday and send Klins off at the airport.  But aunt said grandma is having a fever and coughing badly. Would not be able to join us. I was also having a fever and gastritis on that day. But I went on for the dinner. My tummy got worse after having dinner so I took my leave without finishing my food.

10 June

0405hours and aunt got the ambulance to send grandma down to SKH. She was drowsy and unresponsive. I took MC and went to the hospital to visit her in the afternoon. Her fever subsided and was on antibiotics. Grandma's fever went up again around 5pm and I left at 615 pm.

11 June

I did not visit her but my parents visited her. Grandma was awake and could mumble. Was still having slight fever. Had her x-ray done.

12 June

Speech therapist informed that grandma slightly more alert. I visited her at around 8 plus. Grandma was alert, but chesty.

13 June

Fever subsided. Grandma having diarrhoea. Stool specimen showed no bacteria.

14 June
0430hours (Second Alarm)

Aunt called to inform that doctor said that grandma is very ill. Her scan results showed that she has Type 2 Myocardial infarction. P and myself got there around 0440hours.  Grandma was sleeping and BP was ok.  Aunts, uncle and cousin C followed. We left for work around 7am. I went home to prepare for my appointment.

1008hours (Third Alarm)
Aunt said grandma is on DIL ( Dangerous illness list ). Doctor expecting all children to be around.
I cancelled all my appointments and rushed down again. P also took half day and rushed down.
Grandma can still wake up when we tried to call her. She could recognise each and everyone of us. We did a VC with Cousin K.
Condition stabilised. We left in the evening.

15 June
I reach around 1100 hours. Grandma's O2 is 91-92%. No more fever but chesty when breathing.
No one was there yet. I cleaned her mouth and put gauze around the band of her mask.
Attended grandma's sister who had dermentia. She kept asking who I was. Grandma seemed to nod a little when she saw them.

1500hours
Grandma transferred back to general ward. She was at the psychiatric ward before that due to shortage of beds.
Not so alert. We left around 6 plus.

2000hours (Forth Alarm)
Just as P and myself stepped out of the train at Expo to get a breather, aunt texted and said grandma may go anytime. Her heartbeat went up to 140 plus and O2 was around 80% plus. We rushed back down to the hospital again. Everyone was there at her bed. We ask her to set her mind at ease and go in peace. Although her vitals weren't great, it felt that she was still hanging on to her life.
Grandma is a worrier, so we need to ensure her that all of us are old enough. P left home . I wanted to stay but it seemed that grandma is stable and my condition wasn't as good to stay awake. I left at 12 plus am. Both aunts stayed over.

16 June
By now most of us are pretty exhausted. I managed to catch some sleep and went down around 1pm. Most of grandma's nieces and nephews came over to visit her and chanted for her.
I got my aunt to leave early since they said they will be coming in the middle of the night.
Mum ask me to leave with P and they will stay till around 10pm. Cousin K just touched down USA after a week of layover at Taiwan and Japan.

17 June
0230hours
Aunt called me to inform that hospital said there wasn't any reading at the vital monitor. Aunts will go down to verify. P and myself could not sleep anymore as we think it is the real thing.

1500hours. Called aunts and she said that grandma has passed on at 0227hours. We got ready and went down. Grandma was already transferred to a small room and we started chanting for her. My parents came down later and uncle followed. Uncle was tasked to settle undertaker and town council.
We took turns to chant and tried to drag on for 8 hours. However, after 5.5 hours the senior nurse was firm about tagging and changing grandma. We were halfway through the changing when the nurses intervened. Seeing grandma in the body bag pains me. How a life is treated when it ceased. As we were told that the body will go into the mortuary soon we scrambled to get the undertaker as my uncle's attempt were futile since it was so early. We did not want grandma to go into the cold freezer.

Thankfully we manage to hold the body in the holding area while waiting for the undertakers to arrive.

1040hours

Undertakers brought grandma for embalment. Although it was one of the last things we wanted to do, we had to do it because cousin K wanted to fly back to see her off. The undertakers held the body till 2pm ( so that it is 12 hours ) before touching her.

My parents went home to prepare while we go back to SK to make payment at the town council. There seemed to be a couple of wake around the area.

1620hours

All of us gathered at the wake area to wait for grandma. Did a small ceremony to seal her coffin. It was an emotional sight for me to see her body being covered in white cloth from head to toe when she arrived. The undertakers gowned her up with the black buddhist gown and we we told to walk around her.

After the ceremony we went home around 6 pm to rest and to pick Baby A up. It has been tiring since 2am and I only slept at 1am that morning.

18 June
Went to office to settle stuff and though I should just take 1-2 days off since I only have 2 days of compassionate leave. My boss was understanding and asked me to settle everything first. I ended up taking PM leave on the same day and the rest of the days. I was glad I did because it seemed like I had a lot of responsibility since my aunts are very exhausted already.

Although we tried to dispense with most rituals there were still many details to take note; like offering meals to grandma with 6 dishes and 1 rice, ensuring that the joss sticks keep burning and the candles do not go off. Paying respects to grandma when arriving or leaving the wake. Ensuring that drinks and snacks are well stocked and all the angbaos are prepared.

We also did our own prayers every night and attending to our guests every now and then.
I'm very grateful to friends who took time to attend the wake. In the past it did not occur to me that such things matter. But it actually did. Some of them came alone, some came as a group. Such gestures actually gave me some support.

21 June was the day of the funeral. We did not do a very long journey out on the road, and maybe because of that the sadness wasn't build up too much. We reached Tze Du An temple and unlike my grandpa's cremation, it happened very fast when the coffin was sent to the furnace. We did not see how the coffin gets slowly burnt... maybe it was a good thing.

After the entire event I mourned for grandma my own way. To not eat meat (turned out that P and my helper followed suit for convenience sake). I put on minimal make up and only dressed in black, white or grey. I did not put on and jewelry and did not attend any birthday celebrations for myself.
I was kinda waiting for grandma to appear in my dreams but she did not. It was only until around day 46, and she gave KH aunt a dream. In the dream, KH was with Neo, her long time friend. Neo brought KH to her house. They lived in a private house. So she went and she saw the mum.. and when she turned around, she saw that it was grandma's face. She called out to her and asked her if she is fine. She did not reply. She asked again, where is she, grandma replied that she is in Western Paradise. She added that an Indian came to bring her but she told him to give her 5 more days. My aunt repeated her question again, asking her where she is, and she repeated that she is in Western Paradise. As a believer of Buddhism, I must say, I believed in her dream, and Grandma has told us that she is in a better place now. I felt elated.

On day 49, we gathered at Sengkang and my aunt gave each of us $100, from what is leftover from grandma's CPF account. We sent grandma off peacefully.

I had been imagining the days of grandma's passing, and I thought I would be devastated. But grandma gave us / me ample time to be mentally prepared, so that I would cope with her death better. She was thinking out for us even till her last breathe.

A Depressing 2018

As I skimmed through my blog entry, I realised there would be something big and different every year. 

Work

The year started with a termination of my job. I'd been with BL for so close to 4 years. I was hired for a role to set up a mini manufacturing lab. It went on well for a few months but my boss decided to close it down when there were some issues with the principle. So my job scope has been changed a few times with sales and applications. My boss (and myself) think that I'm not fully occupied. In December 2017, when he lost a VVIP tender, he took the chance to cut a few headcounts. I was in denial and broke down in front of my boss because I know I had been a good employee. He emphasized that it wasn't my problem but I'm probably the highest paid employee and he could not figure out a direction for me. He did not give me a lot of time to stay- slightly less than a month. I was left jobless for 1.5 month before landing myself in a new job. That 1.5 month I was kept very occupied with interviews and housework for CNY. 

I found a job as a Sales Manager in Bukit Batok. I took up the job because they offered the highest pay and I see room to grow. I was given my own room. True enough, the boss gave me a lot of room to grow, and a lot of decisions to make. however, I realised that he has been travelling a lot and the company was ailing. I began to feel negative and started looking for jobs in November ( 8 months after joining).

Baby

Before CNY, Baby was down with fever again. We brought him to the doctor early but his fever did not subside until Day 1 of CNY. I wanted to give him 5 days but his dad was super worried so sent him to A&E. I was thinking to go to the hospital after the reunion dinner but P thinks that the dinner should be cancelled and I wasn't prioritizing my baby. To me, it did not look like an emergency as compared to the previous saga, baby A was still playing with me at home.

So I went ahead to prepare reunion dinner for my parents, who came over, and nagged about us not keeping the place clean enough. Which was why baby keep falling sick. I was pretty stressed and upset and it did not help with the nagging. I remember I was chopping vegetables and my dad keep talking to me in his authoritative manner. I snapped and banged the knife on the board. I was sobbing and told him I kept the dinner for them and got resented by my husband. That was the first time in my life I yelled at dad. 

We both cooled down over dinner and I left for the hospital. Baby's fever subsided in the hospital and P stayed over to look after him. Of course he was very cold to me.

Baby managed to discharge and we went home without going anywhere else to visit.

Marriage and Love Life

Things happened to my marriage 1 week before Baby A's first birthday. 

P and my relationship hasn't been well since before we conceived Baby A. During my pregnancy, he remained non-chalant and uncaring. I went for my appointments alone most of the time and even when I was ill, he did not show the basic attention that I needed. He stopped sleeping beside me when baby was 6 months old because he claimed that I snored too loud and baby's night feeds is affecting his sleep. I was very affected those few months because I was left alone with my child and to me it is a taboo to sleep separately from your spouse.

I got to know a man outside (L) last year and we ceased contact last November. He came back to look for me before CNY and he asked me to leave with him together with the baby. 

One day, P and I had a cold war and I tried to talk to him and told him how unhappy I had been. He did not want to face me as usually and hate to be confronted. I told him that he doesn't need me and I am going to leave the family. It did not hit him until a day later, that I am serious. I did not mention anything thereafter because I want to prepare for baby's birthday party.

After the party, he moved back to sleep beside me but I am no longer used to his presence. I moved out to another room and our talks on divorce became ugly. We began to quarrel over the right to stay with Baby A. I also brought out the fact of moving out and stuff. I consulted my lawyer friend. I was prepared to leave with L and I even talked to my parents about it. My parents did not approve, but ultimately told me that if it make me happier to get out of a toxic marriage, they would support me.

Things began to sink in for P and he started to grow soft. He began to ask me back, which was unexpected. He has never gave in when we fight. He would just brush it off as if nothing happens. 

I told him that he wanted me back because of Baby. He loved him to bits. He realized that without my presence, baby and him would be lost too. 

He came back one day and talked to me. He admitted that he did not care for himself in the past, that's why he doesn't empathize for people. He began to show me a lot of care, he began to show me his change. He began to fill up the gaps that were in the marriage. He begged me for a last chance. I gave in. I also confessed to P that I had found someone I fell for. Around the same time, I told L that I have to give my marriage a second chance. L did not take it well and felt betrayed. He showed me his violence side and I was traumatized. At that point, I felt that it was the right decision for me to stay. P would never be violent to me. Even when I confessed about it, he accepted me and took it to himself to blame. It was a painful decision to break off with L and was a risky decision to stay on as well. But I have to give baby a chance to grow up in a proper family. a 9-year marriage is not without hard work.

So on and off, we began to repair the marriage. But L was still in the picture because he could not give me up. We made up within weeks while I monitor the progress of my marriage. Although P became more caring, but he drifted back a little. a few months later, he confessed that he would not be able to change 100%. I continued to see L and we had many break ups in between because he was still expecting me to leave my marriage for him. It was hard for me to find my feelings back for P once I have lost it and my heart was with L all the time. L and I decided to take a break to test our relationship. I was supposed to give him an answer by CNY. I know I can't go back to him if I don't leave my marriage. I thought it was the end of us and I decided to focus on Baby A to get on with the marriage. But those months did not stop me from missing him. 

The year of 2018 is the Dog's year and I felt I was really down on luck.

2017: Exciting beginning, Tumultous ending.

The final countdown
So the final few weeks I couldn't sleep well, waking up at 3-4am almost every night and couldn't fall back to sleep. Baby's head was down on week 35 but his head went up again the next week. I was told that I may need to get a C-section if his head is still up. What a disappointment. I did a lot of exercises hoping to get his head down. I hoped everything would be au natural; normal delivery, if there is no need to use epidural that would be good.

Labourhood
So the excitement and stress all revolved around the new family member. Let's call him Baby A. I gave birth to Baby A on week 37. It was 230am and something woke me to go to the toilet. I felt a wet sensation below and it stopped. Went back to bed and the feeling came back again. This time I decided to wash up at the shower. Gush, a huge body of water was released and I knew something big was coming. I told myself that I need to stay calm. I put on a sanitary pad and went back to bed, trying to google to confirm my suspicions. I just wanted to make sure that it's not a false alarm and do not want to wake up the hubs until I'm really sure. I thought I was rather calm. "Dear, I think my waterbag broke..." His eyes opened wide awake. We prepped ourselves and took a cab down to the hospital. No contractions were felt and I was still calm. I was wheeled into the labour ward. The nurse tried to feel the head of the baby with much effort, but no avail. The way she made her way inside felt really uncomfortable. Baby's head not engaged. I was up for an emergency C-section 3 hours later. My initial thoughts about going to natural labour was dismissed as I was waiting in the labour ward. One patient was wailing exasperatedly during her labour and that really gave me goosebumps. It really scare the hell out of me.  C-section it is then.  I opted for epidural instead of GA. It is an awkward and helpless feeling. It felt like you are crippled. You can move from waist down. I have this things about trying to find the anesthesia whenever I'm being administered into one.. trying not to fall asleep, trying to move when my legs are numb. Of course it was stupid. I remembered watching a movie where this person was aneasthetized but he could felt the pain when he was being opened up. I couldn't move, couldn't shout, couldn't tell anyone that he was in hell. It was horrendous. Okay, coming back to the surgery, I could feel that my tummy was forced open and the baby was yanked out. It suddenly felt very empty inside and I knew baby A was out. I waited to hear his cries and I did. Baby A born on 29 March 2017, 6am.

I was bound in bed for the next 3 days. I thought C-section shouldn't be that painful but I was wrong. I did not know that I was on a urine catheter, no wonder I did not feel the urge to pee. Once the catheter was removed, I had to go to the toilet, which was an immense task. I could feel my whole innards and my 10cm fibroid dropped whenever I get up and the pain was excruciating. I had to constantly use my hands to support that empty flab of tummy. I started on breastfeeding and it was another level of pain one has to bear. Pain on the nips and pain in the womb. During breastfeeding, the womb would contract, painkillers were given throughout my stay. Baby A was healthy and we both got discharged 3 days later.

 Confinement
We got a very great confinement lady during my confinement period. Not only did she possess great culinary skills, she took care of the baby and me well. She was proactive and cleaned our house till it was spic and span. When i had engorgement, she massaged for me. When I had itchy rashes post-surgery, she took me to the bathroom and clean my flesh with hot water before applying the magic cream she brought. She is very professional, she would bring gadgets that would ease the new mother into motherhood. She her own breast pump, which I used it well. We extended her for another 2 weeks, and I had anxiety issues when her service is coming to an end. On week 5 post par tum, I took over night shift as training before she leave. I was stressed and I couldn't sleep knowing the baby was in the same room as me. But I managed to wake up and feed whenever he cried. A few days later, my thighs were in pain. I thought I developed the aches from night shift. My left leg swelled so badly that I had to limp to the masseuse a night. I thought it was water retention.

Deep Vein Thrombosis
I went back to my gynea for my check up and told her that I was suffering from water retention. I showed her my right thigh and she expressed her concern of what could be more than just water. She suspected it was DVT which can result from pregnancy, immobility and surgery. She ordered a scan for me to do immediately and I was diagnosed with extensive DVT. I was admitted on the same day.
The hit came when I was told that I could no longer breastfeed because the medicine I would be taking is an anti-clot medicine and no studies down on breastfeeding and infants. My breastfeeding journey just got easier with no pain and I had to throw away my freshly pumped milk. To make matters worse, I'm not sure how long I would be in my condition and I was told that the massage could have caused clots to move to my lungs or other parts of my body. I was devastated as I'm not supposed to stay stationery yet cannot move too much. To make matters worse, my CL would be gone in a weeks' time and I'm not sure how else I can take care of my baby. Eventually, my CL told me that the hubs wanted to learn how to shower Baby A and all other stuff. I guess he realised that I might not be fully able to perform the mundane tasks. I got discharged after 3 days of stay and I had to put on compression stockings. My leg is less painful and I made myself run and jump to make the pain go away. It did got better. The clots on my lower limb has vanished but the ones near my groin are still there. Till date (8 months later) I'm still on daily medication and my left thigh is still 3cm bigger.

Baby A
When my CL left, I took care of him alone for 2 weeks before sending him to the nanny's. The nanny provided door-to-door sending and fetching service so we got lucky. One month later, nanny had to take care of the mother who needed a surgery so we were again, luckily to get a spot in the infantcare just below our block. The first few days of IFC, Baby A cried when he sensed it coming. But he eventually develop a close relationship with his teacher and he enjoys going to school. Baby A is a very smiley and adorable baby. Which was why he enjoys the attention of people around him. Sme said he looked like his dad and some said he look like me. I can't tell but I know he gets cuter as he grows. He's also a very active boy and I see myself getting exhausted by him. Baby A's health was generally ok, save for some running and blocked nose. Fever was not a frequent visitor and he generally got well after 2-3 days.

The Adenovirus Ordeal
In Dec 2017 Baby had been coughing till he puked and with some low grade fever. For a few nights I had to change the sheets because of his puke. We took him to the doctor and was told he had wheezing. He was given the nebeulizer for 4 days to expand his lungs. The wheezing left and he was cleared by the doctor.

2 days later the teacher told me that he has high fever 38.9C. But he was still active and feeding well.
I though it should just go off in 5 days just like any viral fever. The fever still persist and I brought him back to the doctor on day 5. We have not met this doctor before and he seemed very concerned about his condition. He gave a nebeulizer and got him admitted because Baby A has not shown any interest in stuff. Clearly, he was quite sick. We got him admitted to the same private hospital for convenience sake. The doctor popped by a few rounds to check on him. He noticed a change in breathing patterns at night. I went home as the hubs was staying overnight to look after him. During midnight, I received a call. It made me nervous, I was hoping it was not the hubs, but it had to be him. He told me to go down to the hospital, we are transferring Baby A to KKH. I was trembling, I did not know what to wear. I grab the necessities and went down to the hospital in the cab. The doctor assured me that it was not an emergency but Baby A's breathing seemed to have been a little worse and KKH would have better equipment and manpower to support him. The ambulance took a while to arrive. When we reached KKH, a swarm of doctors came over and he was administered the adrenaline via the nebeulizer. Baby A looked lethargic then. He was admitted to the high dependency ward and he was taken over by the medical staff, who started putting him on a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure ) to expand his lungs, a feeding tube and an IV cannula. It was one painful sight to see your baby in such a state. But we were told that we do not need to stay because there are nurses in the ward. We took the chance to go home to rest, knowing that we might have a long week ahead.

Blood test results came out the next day, testing positive for Adenovirus, which could be the culprit of his bronchiolitis. We were transferred to the isolation ward as it can spread through contact and droplet. His fever came up, eyes swelled. We were told that his fever could last 7-10 days. We waited and the fever had no signs of coming down. He was weaned off CPAP and was depending on oxygen to keep his O2 sats on track. He was given nasopharyngeal suction every 4 hours and that was probably the most heartbreaking thing to see. He choked, cringed, teared and stiffened during the whole procedure and I would be beside to hold his hand. There were times I did not want to look. But after every suction he would sleep comfortably, no longer with a blocked nasal passage. The days when the infection peaks, he hardly open his eyes. Ibuprofen and paracetamol has to be administered alternately. All these medication with sponging could not keep the heat down. There were times when the doctor asked " Did he wake up at all? Has he been this sleepy?" This made me even more worried. If he is reacting normally. Days crawled by and everyday I googled the same thing- "Adenovirus" , "fever" , "high fever", "prolong high fever". And almost everywhere, the fever is said to last for 5-7 days. Sometimes 10 days. Well, day 10 came and the fever was still fluctuating. However the trend came down, there were times with no fever but it did not last too long before it hits a 39C again. I googled again and it said that if the fever lasted too long, Kawasaki disease needs to be considered. I highlighted my concern to the doctors because for KD, treatment has to be carried out within 10 days. The doctors came in to check for classic symptoms but there were only red eyes and fever. A blood test was carried out and he had Adenovirus infection in his blood. An ECHO MRI was carried out on his heart to check for the diameter of his arteries- one sign of KD, but they looked normal. At this time his fever frequency lessen and there was a sign of recovery. 24 hours without fever means he should recover. The last fever was at 10am on Christmas eve. 6 hours no fever... 10 hours no fever...15 hours no fever... 25 hours no fever!!! I found it unbelievable, I was scared...is there fever going away for good? It did and we were starting to see 36C instead of 37C.. we were elated. But his oxygen saturation is still on borderline. We tried to wean him off but the numbers were not great. Baby A is more awake but he was still groggy, not smiling. That was Christmas day. The next day, his smiles finally came back, after 1.5 weeks. He was active and did not want to sleep. Oxygen wasn't too good but he keeps pulling the tubes off. His levels are good when he was awake but when he sleeps, it drops. Nonethless, he looked great and feeding well. He was finally discharged after 11 days in the hospital. The ordeal was over. He is still coughing and wheezing a bit now, but that is likely due to his recovery from bronchiolitis.

The food in the hospital was horrible and I did not have much appetite either. I lost around 1.5kg. Took me so long to lose but it only works in an adversity. Lot of laborious housework, walking around in the hospital, sleep deprived and less intake. But I think being in a happier mood now makes me eat more and gain back. Who needs adversity to lose weight?

Travel
I wasn't expecting to travel this year and I made it clear to my boss that I would not be doing any business trips. But the hubs surprised me when he said he has more leave this year so it's a better year to travel. We went back to Bali to chill again, this round it's really just villa, and cafes/restaurants. It was a much needed break. We sought my in-laws to help take care of Baby A, which proved to be a daunting task for them. It was unfortunate that Baby A got a fever on the day we left, which makes me worried but thankfully he recovered after 3 days. My SIL and MIL got sick after that, perhaps from exhaustion, or from his virus.

Anyway this Jineng Villa is probably the best villa we have stayed so far (we have tried 3 villas). They provide free transport to Seminyak Square but it's actually just a 10-min walk away. The have free breakfast and tea platter. The pool was of a decent length and there were no funny insects.

Work
When I'm back from ML, I report to the Applications manager. I only do 10% sales on specialised products and the rest are purely apps based. It wasn't too bad because my manager stands up for me. It's a pretty laxed year since I was clearing my maternity leave bit my bit. I also took on the product registration portfolio which kept me a little more busy. Busy is good.

I'm quite sure that 2018 will be eventful too. It would be the year of the Dog and it would not be very smooth sailing for me. But I certainly hope that it would not affect any of my family members as it having to worry for others is more painful than the pain on oneself. May it be a year of peace and no adversities.