I have unbelievably taken up the courage to step out of my marriage. I suspected I married a Narc halfway through my marriage and my suspicions were confirmed at the end of it. When I started to join Narc support groups, I just had to put the label on him. To be specific, he is a Covert Narc.
My memories are so full of the incidents of his Narc behaviors, so I have decided to off load all these unpleasant memories here in order to empty my memories of toxic stuff, heal and move on.
I initiated the D on the 17 May 2022, about a week earlier as I have planned due to an opportunity. Received FJ on 26 Dec 2022 and I'm officially Divorced after married for 13 years.
I'm not sure where to start but I guess I can randomly list down the incidents that left me scars in my heart.
Let me give you a description of the Narc ex.. He exhibited 4 signs stated below:
Some of the most telling signs of a covert narcissist husband include:1
- Being inattentive and distracted: The covert narcissist is self-absorbed, so there is little time and attention given to others. Obviously I was the neglected wife, no eye-contact with me. Always walking past me like I was invisible. It came a point that when I saw him at the void deck, I felt weird and eventually avoiding him because I did not know how to react as I'm unable to keep a pokerface of knowing someone yet there wasn't recognition.
- Inability to understand his wife’s point of view: With a lack of empathy, he will be unwilling and unable to consider differences of opinions. He will always be right.
- Unexpected angry outbursts: Covert narcissists are fragile and overly sensitive, so he could become angry and violent quickly or break down in tears. He doesn't show his tears, but his anger was evident on his face, actions of doing things fast and loud, ignoring you. He snaps at you whenever you were least prepared.
- Impulsive purchases: In an attempt to fulfill emotional voids, the covert narcissist will buy expensive items like cars, property, jewelry, or electronics. He buys and changes sound systems, cameras fast. He would purchase one item, only to find it not reaching his perfect standard, and the next day he would buy another. He keeps on buying until he finds the perfect one.
Actually, I could have noticed red flags very early into the relationship. But I guess I loved him alot enough to turn a blind eye and I'm usually someone who keeps on trying a relationship before giving up.
We got our own flat a few months before our wedding and I realised that he was very much pre-occupied with the flat instead of doing it together with me. He would go off to buy something for the flat and when he came back, he would be busy setting up stuff and I would be completely ignored.
I moved in after our wedding day and he made a very sumptuous breakfast only for himself. I was very disappointed that he did not make one for me and he was unhappy that I actually had that expectation.
In our first year of marriage, we invited friends over for gatherings. I remembered one day as I was trying to force a bag of trash down the chute, I accidentally cut myself and I was bleeding a bit. My friends were all hovering over me while he was just looking behind from far, not offering any help. I guess my friends also felt my disappointment of him not taking care of me.
We had a few quarrels and I was the confrontational type. Little did I realised that he was the opposite and always run away whenever I tried to confront him. We had a bit of a physical scuffle where he will push me away when I tried to grab hold of him. I was so upset that I wanted to go to Yu's house to stay over.
After the first year, I slowly got use to his personality and eventually stopped the aggressive approach. But even with talking, he would not listen to me (eye away) or try to run away when I tried to sit him down. Over the years, I stopped talking to him, let the problems sleep and the next day things are back again. I would need to watch out for his facial expression, to see if it's a good or bad day for him and talk when it's time to talk. He likes to do things on his own, sometimes he will go out on his own.. he would tell the dog about it in front of me and I have to eavesdrop. I would complain why he doesnt bring me along and he would just smile.
He always felt that I'm just a complainer and I'm never satisfied with what I have. He would be unhappy whenever I felt unhappy about him. It always ended up with me feeling that whatever I felt was wrong and I should not be feeling that way.
In short, there is no way out about my unhappiness, I was trapped in a marriage where I'm unable to express my feelings nor try to make any changes. I started having my own life, going on trips with friends more often than with him. We grew apart emotionally (maybe never close to begin with), physically and mentally.
He did not get much involved with any of my health conditions and doesn't share with me if he had any. We do not have any purview to each other's financial status other than each other's salary.
He wasn't there when I did my scope, not present during my Masters graduation, left home halfway while I was having fever and feeling sick while waiting for the GP consultation. He wasn't there for all my pregnancy or IVF appointments. Maybe 20% of the time.
During my pregnancy I had the first thoughts about the divorce. The second thought was when he was 1 years old. And the final one was in Nov 2022. It took me 5 freaking years to prepare and take action. And now we are left with the final leap of selling our flat. Not unexpectedly, he did not take the D very well, and there were multiple attempts to gaslight me as well as manipulate my son. The number of messages we exchanged was probably more than what we had over the past 13 years of marriage.
Right now, I feel truly liberated, not living under my own shadow and able to think and do what I want.
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