I hope that this is the saddest thing that would happen this year. Grandma, aka to me as Ma Ma, the closest person in my life, has passed on.
As I'm writing this post, I am home alone, to grieve, while they went over to my MIL's house for dinner.
Mama took care of me for the first 14 years of my life. I stayed together with my extended family in a house in Katong. In my memory, she was the one who fetched me to and fro from my kindergarten while my parents are busy working. She would bring me to McDonald's opposite my school or pack rice with luncheon meat in tomato sauce. I think that was how I became so chubby when I was young.
During mooncake festival, she got me the more expensive, safer, battery-operated goldfish lantern, while the rest of the kids got the candle type.
There would be times she promised to bring me out then changed her mind because she sees that the sky was getting darker. And I would always complain that she did not keep her promise.
There was once when I had the KFC whipped potato landed on my head as I was walking and eating without watching my step. She had to bring me to the nearest basin to wash my hair.
When she went out without me, I would be waiting by the window for her to return. She would also wait for me to come home with her umbrella as a weapon as I grew old enough to hang out with my friends.
Even when we moved out of Katong when I was 9, and my parents lived separately with my aunts, I chosed to stay with my grandma because I was still pretty attached to her. I lived with her for another 5 years before moving to Macpherson with my parents.
After moving out, grandma would occasionally stay over with me or I will go to her house to stayover. I would thinking about her passing occasionally and would weep over the inevitable fact that one day she would leave. That was one reason I did not dare to study overseas because I was afraid that something would happen to her and I would not be in time to see her.
As I got married and got my own life, I grew further from grandma and she no longer had to worry for me as she has got other grandchildren to keep her occupy.
I felt happy though that she managed to see me settle down and have a kid on my own.
Grandma has been nice to us. She pre-empted us for a week before she leaves. She gave us ample time.
5 June (Grandma's birthday)
0122hours - FIrst Alarm
KH aunt called me and tell me that Grandma said that she is leaving us soon. I thought it was all planned because it was her birthday and cousin K came back from the states to surprise us. He visited grandma 2 days ago. I was sponging feverish Baby A so I was still awake. I got P to take over the sponging and rushed down.
Aunt called to said Grandma said she will leave later, not now. Mumbled something like 4 am. I reached around 2am but found that I was the only one there. Grandma looked very drowsy but she could still recognised me. Aunts cleaned her up just in case she really leaves. I waited till 4 am and we all think that it might be a false alarm, so I went home. In any case, I had a feeling that it could be anytime soon.
9 June
We were all supposed to gather for dinner to celebrate Aunt EP and Grandma's birthday and send Klins off at the airport. But aunt said grandma is having a fever and coughing badly. Would not be able to join us. I was also having a fever and gastritis on that day. But I went on for the dinner. My tummy got worse after having dinner so I took my leave without finishing my food.
10 June
0405hours and aunt got the ambulance to send grandma down to SKH. She was drowsy and unresponsive. I took MC and went to the hospital to visit her in the afternoon. Her fever subsided and was on antibiotics. Grandma's fever went up again around 5pm and I left at 615 pm.
11 June
I did not visit her but my parents visited her. Grandma was awake and could mumble. Was still having slight fever. Had her x-ray done.
12 June
Speech therapist informed that grandma slightly more alert. I visited her at around 8 plus. Grandma was alert, but chesty.
13 June
Fever subsided. Grandma having diarrhoea. Stool specimen showed no bacteria.
14 June
0430hours (Second Alarm)
Aunt called to inform that doctor said that grandma is very ill. Her scan results showed that she has Type 2 Myocardial infarction. P and myself got there around 0440hours. Grandma was sleeping and BP was ok. Aunts, uncle and cousin C followed. We left for work around 7am. I went home to prepare for my appointment.
1008hours (Third Alarm)
Aunt said grandma is on DIL ( Dangerous illness list ). Doctor expecting all children to be around.
I cancelled all my appointments and rushed down again. P also took half day and rushed down.
Grandma can still wake up when we tried to call her. She could recognise each and everyone of us. We did a VC with Cousin K.
Condition stabilised. We left in the evening.
15 June
I reach around 1100 hours. Grandma's O2 is 91-92%. No more fever but chesty when breathing.
No one was there yet. I cleaned her mouth and put gauze around the band of her mask.
Attended grandma's sister who had dermentia. She kept asking who I was. Grandma seemed to nod a little when she saw them.
1500hours
Grandma transferred back to general ward. She was at the psychiatric ward before that due to shortage of beds.
Not so alert. We left around 6 plus.
2000hours (Forth Alarm)
Just as P and myself stepped out of the train at Expo to get a breather, aunt texted and said grandma may go anytime. Her heartbeat went up to 140 plus and O2 was around 80% plus. We rushed back down to the hospital again. Everyone was there at her bed. We ask her to set her mind at ease and go in peace. Although her vitals weren't great, it felt that she was still hanging on to her life.
Grandma is a worrier, so we need to ensure her that all of us are old enough. P left home . I wanted to stay but it seemed that grandma is stable and my condition wasn't as good to stay awake. I left at 12 plus am. Both aunts stayed over.
16 June
By now most of us are pretty exhausted. I managed to catch some sleep and went down around 1pm. Most of grandma's nieces and nephews came over to visit her and chanted for her.
I got my aunt to leave early since they said they will be coming in the middle of the night.
Mum ask me to leave with P and they will stay till around 10pm. Cousin K just touched down USA after a week of layover at Taiwan and Japan.
17 June
0230hours
Aunt called me to inform that hospital said there wasn't any reading at the vital monitor. Aunts will go down to verify. P and myself could not sleep anymore as we think it is the real thing.
1500hours. Called aunts and she said that grandma has passed on at 0227hours. We got ready and went down. Grandma was already transferred to a small room and we started chanting for her. My parents came down later and uncle followed. Uncle was tasked to settle undertaker and town council.
We took turns to chant and tried to drag on for 8 hours. However, after 5.5 hours the senior nurse was firm about tagging and changing grandma. We were halfway through the changing when the nurses intervened. Seeing grandma in the body bag pains me. How a life is treated when it ceased. As we were told that the body will go into the mortuary soon we scrambled to get the undertaker as my uncle's attempt were futile since it was so early. We did not want grandma to go into the cold freezer.
Thankfully we manage to hold the body in the holding area while waiting for the undertakers to arrive.
1040hours
Undertakers brought grandma for embalment. Although it was one of the last things we wanted to do, we had to do it because cousin K wanted to fly back to see her off. The undertakers held the body till 2pm ( so that it is 12 hours ) before touching her.
My parents went home to prepare while we go back to SK to make payment at the town council. There seemed to be a couple of wake around the area.
1620hours
All of us gathered at the wake area to wait for grandma. Did a small ceremony to seal her coffin. It was an emotional sight for me to see her body being covered in white cloth from head to toe when she arrived. The undertakers gowned her up with the black buddhist gown and we we told to walk around her.
After the ceremony we went home around 6 pm to rest and to pick Baby A up. It has been tiring since 2am and I only slept at 1am that morning.
18 June
Went to office to settle stuff and though I should just take 1-2 days off since I only have 2 days of compassionate leave. My boss was understanding and asked me to settle everything first. I ended up taking PM leave on the same day and the rest of the days. I was glad I did because it seemed like I had a lot of responsibility since my aunts are very exhausted already.
Although we tried to dispense with most rituals there were still many details to take note; like offering meals to grandma with 6 dishes and 1 rice, ensuring that the joss sticks keep burning and the candles do not go off. Paying respects to grandma when arriving or leaving the wake. Ensuring that drinks and snacks are well stocked and all the angbaos are prepared.
We also did our own prayers every night and attending to our guests every now and then.
I'm very grateful to friends who took time to attend the wake. In the past it did not occur to me that such things matter. But it actually did. Some of them came alone, some came as a group. Such gestures actually gave me some support.
21 June was the day of the funeral. We did not do a very long journey out on the road, and maybe because of that the sadness wasn't build up too much. We reached Tze Du An temple and unlike my grandpa's cremation, it happened very fast when the coffin was sent to the furnace. We did not see how the coffin gets slowly burnt... maybe it was a good thing.
After the entire event I mourned for grandma my own way. To not eat meat (turned out that P and my helper followed suit for convenience sake). I put on minimal make up and only dressed in black, white or grey. I did not put on and jewelry and did not attend any birthday celebrations for myself.
I was kinda waiting for grandma to appear in my dreams but she did not. It was only until around day 46, and she gave KH aunt a dream. In the dream, KH was with Neo, her long time friend. Neo brought KH to her house. They lived in a private house. So she went and she saw the mum.. and when she turned around, she saw that it was grandma's face. She called out to her and asked her if she is fine. She did not reply. She asked again, where is she, grandma replied that she is in Western Paradise. She added that an Indian came to bring her but she told him to give her 5 more days. My aunt repeated her question again, asking her where she is, and she repeated that she is in Western Paradise. As a believer of Buddhism, I must say, I believed in her dream, and Grandma has told us that she is in a better place now. I felt elated.
On day 49, we gathered at Sengkang and my aunt gave each of us $100, from what is leftover from grandma's CPF account. We sent grandma off peacefully.
I had been imagining the days of grandma's passing, and I thought I would be devastated. But grandma gave us / me ample time to be mentally prepared, so that I would cope with her death better. She was thinking out for us even till her last breathe.
